Lilly

The Effects of the Fall

Posted on March 27, 2012by apronheadlilly

'11

(Now if you believe in Adam and Eve and the fallen nature of man, you got that title and thought it was ever so clever . . . or not. If you don’t believe, pretend it’s a seasonal piece.)

I thought perhaps I’d humored out on broken rib posts, but given that the pain meds were giving me too many side effects, and given that I hurt more than ever, I figured I better milk it a bit longer before the little white shooting lights come back.

The following are painful observations:

• If there is a 50-50 chance of hitting the trash can with your rubbish, you will always miss, simply because it hurts too much to lean over and pick it up.

• If there is a 100 % chance of hitting it, the same rule applies. See above.

• If you are gimpily trying to put some food together for a raw, organic, nutrient dense lunch (That last part was propaganda.), you will undoubtedly drop most items on the floor because a broken rib somehow makes brains and hands impotent. If the item is edible, call the dog. If the item is inedible and unimportant in say anything short of contributing to world peace, kick it under the stove.

• If in the tiniest of print under “Contraindications,” you notice that 1-2% of test subjects experience swelling, Bubonic plague, cramps, bleeding, headaches, Tourette outbursts (but only in euphemisms), and those little shooting lights, be advised to return it to your pharmacy. A broken rib uses the new math where 2% = always.

• Breaking a rib is like the Butterfly Effect and will set off all manner of weird occurrences from leaking pipes in the wall to neighbor’s car alarms repeatedly going off to rising gas prices to earthquakes. (Somebody tell Mexico and Chile I’m sorry!)

• My friend recommended fresh parsley tea to help with one of the side effects that will remain nameless; and I must say, it is right up there with lemongrass. I envision a whole grass section at Starbucks in the not too distant past.

• Since I can’t take the heavy-duty brain, liver, and bladder destroying narcotics anymore, I’m trying a homeopathic remedy, which seems to be helping some. Problem: You must take it a half hour after having eaten or drunk, and not eat or drink for another half hour. Take 12 to 24 to 480 times a day. Now you do the math. I’m hobbling for the hormone-free ice cream because if I want that miniscule relief in my pain quotient, I need to do it now!

So there you have it: Another installment in “Lost—the Next Generation.” I already have the tea (parsley), now for the sympathy . . .